A couple of posts ago, I expressed how my husband is going through a mid-life crisis...especially because he didn't think he would live this long being HIV+. In that post, I described how he had begun drinking more. Well...his drinking continued and got worse to the point that it became a serious issue in our marriage. We stopped trying to have a baby. And the tension in our relationship reached a breaking point.
This past July, he got into a physical altercation with someone after a long night of clubbing, and ended up in jail. I initially refused to bail him out, but finally did a week later so he would not get terminated from his job. We have been separated ever since.
He has stopped drinking now, and is really working the 12 steps in AA, but I still don't think he is dealing with the issue of facing his illness. And I'm not sure that he ever will...or if it would make a difference anymore.
During this time of separation, I find myself seriously considering getting a divorce. Not because I don't love him, but because it would be a chance to "escape" being married to a man that is HIV+. What would it be like to have a relationship with someone that doesn't require having cases of condoms around? Not having to get tested all the time...not having a secret to keep from everyone...not worrying about facial wasting and side effects of medication?
And then I wonder if anyone would even date me if they knew I had been married to a guy with HIV for the past ten years. There is some serious stigma and baggage attached to this issue. And it makes me wonder....what does being in this relationship say about me? What does it say about my judgement..or lack thereof? Did I marry him because of my codependent tendencies? Probably.
But that doesn't mean my love for him is not real. And so, I continue to consider my options.