After nearly a decade of protected sex with my husband, I forgot how messy sex can be.
Last month, we had scheduled unprotected sex to try to conceive a child, and for some reason....there has been a tangible wedge between us ever since. We briefly talked about it, and neither of us feel that the emotional and physical distance is from fear that I've contracted HIV. I don't think we were ready for how "un-sexy" the whole attempt would be. Over the course of our marriage, having a condom between us during sex was a necessary evil and we adjusted our expectations to include them. Using condoms hasn't dampened our sex life, but we were looking forward to the experience of condom-less sex, and the intimate experience of conceiving a child.
But, unfortunately, it wasn't an enjoyable experience. We were nervous...it was awkward, messy, and embarrassing. And since then, we've hardly touched each other. I am puzzled by our reaction. I can't quite put my finger on why I'm feeling this way. Am I ashamed? Am I upset? disappointed? confused? angry?
Maybe the awful truth is, I'm a little grossed out by the "bodily fluids" involved with normal sex. After years of using a condom, I forgot what normal sex is like. I certainly liked the feeling of condom-less sex, but in all the years I've thought about it, I didn't think about these details.
Maybe I'm worried he didn't enjoy the feeling of condom-less sex with me...
Either way, what's apparent is we were both expecting to feel something very different, and reality was just a rude awakening.
I hope we can get over it soon, we have to try getting pregnant again later this month!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Hearing Voices
I've been hearing a faint voice in my head for about a week now. I finally figured out what it was.....
When I started the journey of marriage, I had no way of knowing my primal need to have children would engulf me the way that it did. I was surprised by the things my body and mind were telling me..shouting to me to have a baby. At one point it got so bad, I practically hallucinated a young boy in my arms, who threw his arms around my neck and kissed me with his sticky lollipop lips. And feeling as if a voice, a child, was calling to me from deep in the center of the earth. I felt like if I couldn't have a child, I would literally die.
Eventually these feelings led me to search out any possible ways my HIV+ husband and I could bring a child into our home. Adoption, in-vitro fertilization, insemination, sperm donor....I looked into everything.
It was an 8 year journey of considering our options, but we finally decided on having scheduled unprotected sex to conceive. Because it is a controversial method, we have worked closely with an amazing team of doctors, and have told only a handful of people of our plans.
We decided that I would take pre-and post- exposure treatment and hope for the best. (I should tell you that my husband is a very healthy man with 10 years of an undetectable viral load)
We anticipated having arousing, passionate, condom-less sex. When we were finally ready to attempt it...we both got nervous. It was the worst two days of sex we ever had. It felt like I was undergoing a medical procedure. Placing pillows under my hips for half an hour...not very sexy.
So, right now, its only been 6 days since "the attempt" and I am driving myself crazy wondering if the very breath I take is a sign that I'm pregnant. And I've been feeling a voice calling to me. Its very faint. Its not the voice of a child. Its the voice of his HIV...
I am trying to drown it out with activities and busy work, I just can't think about the possibility that I may have contracted HIV during this process. But its constantly there...the voice. Like a ghost, or a phantom. If I stop my busy-ness for too long, I fear the voice will catch up with me and possess me.
So, I'm just going to stay busy for a while.
When I started the journey of marriage, I had no way of knowing my primal need to have children would engulf me the way that it did. I was surprised by the things my body and mind were telling me..shouting to me to have a baby. At one point it got so bad, I practically hallucinated a young boy in my arms, who threw his arms around my neck and kissed me with his sticky lollipop lips. And feeling as if a voice, a child, was calling to me from deep in the center of the earth. I felt like if I couldn't have a child, I would literally die.
Eventually these feelings led me to search out any possible ways my HIV+ husband and I could bring a child into our home. Adoption, in-vitro fertilization, insemination, sperm donor....I looked into everything.
It was an 8 year journey of considering our options, but we finally decided on having scheduled unprotected sex to conceive. Because it is a controversial method, we have worked closely with an amazing team of doctors, and have told only a handful of people of our plans.
We decided that I would take pre-and post- exposure treatment and hope for the best. (I should tell you that my husband is a very healthy man with 10 years of an undetectable viral load)
We anticipated having arousing, passionate, condom-less sex. When we were finally ready to attempt it...we both got nervous. It was the worst two days of sex we ever had. It felt like I was undergoing a medical procedure. Placing pillows under my hips for half an hour...not very sexy.
So, right now, its only been 6 days since "the attempt" and I am driving myself crazy wondering if the very breath I take is a sign that I'm pregnant. And I've been feeling a voice calling to me. Its very faint. Its not the voice of a child. Its the voice of his HIV...
I am trying to drown it out with activities and busy work, I just can't think about the possibility that I may have contracted HIV during this process. But its constantly there...the voice. Like a ghost, or a phantom. If I stop my busy-ness for too long, I fear the voice will catch up with me and possess me.
So, I'm just going to stay busy for a while.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
What do success and failure have in common?
What do success and failure have in common?
Risk. They both require a risk. Some are afraid of failure and don't risk anything. Some are confident they will succeed and risk carelessly. Others take calculated risks. Whatever the nature of the risk, it is always a personal choice one makes. Whether to take a risk at all.
I once sat in on a small conference call where HIV experts and public policy makers were discussing matters of risk for women who are HIV negative wanting to have a child with an HIV+ partner. They were saying things like "liability", "risk", "treatment", "exposure", "legislation", "policy", and "conversion," I was the only one in the room who was actually living the life they were speaking about. And I kept thinking how strange it was that no one asked me about the risk I would be willing to take.
They decided for me. The risk was too high.
The risk to myself, the risk to their practices and policies, the risk of worst case scenario malpractice suits...they were all too high. I appreciated them gathering together to discuss these risks, and allowing me to be part of the discussion. Several of them were quite empathetic and are truly fighting to allow for more options to me. But...it stung that I could not decide for myself how far I would go, what risks I would take...to hold our child in my arms.
About a year later, I had a discussion with my doctor in which I asked her to research the possibility of my husband and I having scheduled unprotected intercourse to conceive a child. This is probably our last option to conceive. She told me "It is too risky." Once again, the decision is made for me. I realize it is a radical decision, and not one that should be made lightly. But after eight years of dead ends...its time to get radical and think outside of the box. Beyond the statistics, beyond the policies, beyond the medical offices, and beyond the fear.
If any of you readers are doctors, policy makers, elected officials.....please.
Let me take a risk.
Risk. They both require a risk. Some are afraid of failure and don't risk anything. Some are confident they will succeed and risk carelessly. Others take calculated risks. Whatever the nature of the risk, it is always a personal choice one makes. Whether to take a risk at all.
I once sat in on a small conference call where HIV experts and public policy makers were discussing matters of risk for women who are HIV negative wanting to have a child with an HIV+ partner. They were saying things like "liability", "risk", "treatment", "exposure", "legislation", "policy", and "conversion," I was the only one in the room who was actually living the life they were speaking about. And I kept thinking how strange it was that no one asked me about the risk I would be willing to take.
They decided for me. The risk was too high.
The risk to myself, the risk to their practices and policies, the risk of worst case scenario malpractice suits...they were all too high. I appreciated them gathering together to discuss these risks, and allowing me to be part of the discussion. Several of them were quite empathetic and are truly fighting to allow for more options to me. But...it stung that I could not decide for myself how far I would go, what risks I would take...to hold our child in my arms.
About a year later, I had a discussion with my doctor in which I asked her to research the possibility of my husband and I having scheduled unprotected intercourse to conceive a child. This is probably our last option to conceive. She told me "It is too risky." Once again, the decision is made for me. I realize it is a radical decision, and not one that should be made lightly. But after eight years of dead ends...its time to get radical and think outside of the box. Beyond the statistics, beyond the policies, beyond the medical offices, and beyond the fear.
If any of you readers are doctors, policy makers, elected officials.....please.
Let me take a risk.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Bittersweet promotion
Its been a while since I've posted. As a result of venting on this blog, I'm finding things easier to deal with when it comes to HIV related issues so my need to write things out isn't as strong.
There was a comment left on the last post that got me thinking....dealing with the technicalities of HIV medication, doctor appointments, agencies, insurance coverage, finances, etc.
When my husband and I first got married, he had been living on our state's disability income, was given $600 per month since he was diagnosed with a "fatal" disease, and was deemed unable to work. He was also granted our state's medicare, basically given free treatment and medication. It was a great set-up. Not having to worry about employers finding out about his HIV, not dealing with private insurance companies, free medication, and a check to boot!
But, he had to jump through a lot of hoops to access his health care. Had to go to a certain clinic, had limited medication options, and getting an appointment took at least 3 months. There were also many times when the quality of the care was less than ideal. Such as the time we went to a "specialist" doctor who had on gloves, a mask, and wouldn't touch him during the examination. Just looked at him from a few inches away. But...it was all free so he wasn't complaining.
Well, now he's just been offered a full-time position with full benefits. Normally this is a good thing, but we're stressing. What will this mean for us? Will he have to tell his boss and co-workers about the HIV? Will he be denied insurance coverage because of the condition? Will his new doctor be kind and gracious? Will we have to pay for the medication? What about the quality of care from the nurses, laboratories, experts and specialist?
It doesn't seem fair that a person dealing with such a serious illness should be stressing over HAVING ACCESS to quality health care when so many in this world do not. But it is the reality and we have some tough decisions to make ahead. His increase in salary means the state's medical coverage will no longer cover his appointments, medicine, etc. so we will need to make our decision soon. Does he accept the full-time position, or continue part-time? Does he accept the medical insurance and start all over with a new doctor and health care team? (He's been seeing the same doctor at the same facility for fifteen years) What if he's denied coverage? What if his boss (who is a doctor)/co-workers find out? (Did I mention he works at a hospital?)
We've asked a few benefits experts and gotten different story every time.
So...what to do. I don't know.
There was a comment left on the last post that got me thinking....dealing with the technicalities of HIV medication, doctor appointments, agencies, insurance coverage, finances, etc.
When my husband and I first got married, he had been living on our state's disability income, was given $600 per month since he was diagnosed with a "fatal" disease, and was deemed unable to work. He was also granted our state's medicare, basically given free treatment and medication. It was a great set-up. Not having to worry about employers finding out about his HIV, not dealing with private insurance companies, free medication, and a check to boot!
But, he had to jump through a lot of hoops to access his health care. Had to go to a certain clinic, had limited medication options, and getting an appointment took at least 3 months. There were also many times when the quality of the care was less than ideal. Such as the time we went to a "specialist" doctor who had on gloves, a mask, and wouldn't touch him during the examination. Just looked at him from a few inches away. But...it was all free so he wasn't complaining.
Well, now he's just been offered a full-time position with full benefits. Normally this is a good thing, but we're stressing. What will this mean for us? Will he have to tell his boss and co-workers about the HIV? Will he be denied insurance coverage because of the condition? Will his new doctor be kind and gracious? Will we have to pay for the medication? What about the quality of care from the nurses, laboratories, experts and specialist?
It doesn't seem fair that a person dealing with such a serious illness should be stressing over HAVING ACCESS to quality health care when so many in this world do not. But it is the reality and we have some tough decisions to make ahead. His increase in salary means the state's medical coverage will no longer cover his appointments, medicine, etc. so we will need to make our decision soon. Does he accept the full-time position, or continue part-time? Does he accept the medical insurance and start all over with a new doctor and health care team? (He's been seeing the same doctor at the same facility for fifteen years) What if he's denied coverage? What if his boss (who is a doctor)/co-workers find out? (Did I mention he works at a hospital?)
We've asked a few benefits experts and gotten different story every time.
So...what to do. I don't know.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
New Contributor
Welcome!
I am a new contributor to this blog about being an HIV negative spouse.
As of right now, I am an HIV negative "girlfriend".... Our wedding date is October 2nd .... LOL
I'm going to make this first post very brief, as I have not yet decided on my first topic. If you're anything like me, there's a whole roller coaster of emotions to encounter each day. Our thoughts and fears can hold us hostage at times and then other times we are just like everyone else - paying bills, caring for our homes and families, working hard and enjoying life. Our "magnetic" relationship is possibly the most fulfilling one we've had thus far, so staying emotionally sane has become paramount!
If you are a veteran HIV negative spouse, I give you huge kudos and a heartfelt "thank you" for persevering. I hope to be YOU someday!
If you're new here, PLEASE stay connected. A lot of times your very emotional survival will depend on others in the same situation. It can be very lonely sometimes, but getting your feelings out in the "open" yet safe environment here can empower and reassure you.
Hope this finds you all enjoying your summer months!
I am a new contributor to this blog about being an HIV negative spouse.
As of right now, I am an HIV negative "girlfriend".... Our wedding date is October 2nd .... LOL
I'm going to make this first post very brief, as I have not yet decided on my first topic. If you're anything like me, there's a whole roller coaster of emotions to encounter each day. Our thoughts and fears can hold us hostage at times and then other times we are just like everyone else - paying bills, caring for our homes and families, working hard and enjoying life. Our "magnetic" relationship is possibly the most fulfilling one we've had thus far, so staying emotionally sane has become paramount!
If you are a veteran HIV negative spouse, I give you huge kudos and a heartfelt "thank you" for persevering. I hope to be YOU someday!
If you're new here, PLEASE stay connected. A lot of times your very emotional survival will depend on others in the same situation. It can be very lonely sometimes, but getting your feelings out in the "open" yet safe environment here can empower and reassure you.
Hope this finds you all enjoying your summer months!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
I know the HIV story
I know the story of how my husband contracted HIV.
He told the story once. He knew the exact moment HIV began coursing through his veins. I can't imagine how that must have felt. Knowing the precise moment....
I'm not sure if he has thought of it often, but I have. I have visualized the scene...a dark room, a frivolous friend, and a younger version of my husband. He is a lonely lost soul. He is scared, confused, wounded, and aching with shame. He knows why he came to this place, he knows where things are headed. The pain of his existence is too much to bear and so he begins. Moments later....he knows. He knows it. He feels it. He has it.
I didn't know he existed then, but I loved him. I loved him in that moment. I wish I had been there to save him. I would have held him tight. I would have told him everything is going to be alright. I would have told him things will get better. You won't always feel this way, you won't always be this lonely. You will find success, you will find love, you will be whole.
I think it takes great courage to live with deep regret everyday. I admire him for climbing up from rock bottom and succeeding in ways he couldn't have imagined in that moment. I admire him for having the courage to find love and trust love.
Yes, I loved him in that moment.....and I have loved him ever since.
He told the story once. He knew the exact moment HIV began coursing through his veins. I can't imagine how that must have felt. Knowing the precise moment....
I'm not sure if he has thought of it often, but I have. I have visualized the scene...a dark room, a frivolous friend, and a younger version of my husband. He is a lonely lost soul. He is scared, confused, wounded, and aching with shame. He knows why he came to this place, he knows where things are headed. The pain of his existence is too much to bear and so he begins. Moments later....he knows. He knows it. He feels it. He has it.
I didn't know he existed then, but I loved him. I loved him in that moment. I wish I had been there to save him. I would have held him tight. I would have told him everything is going to be alright. I would have told him things will get better. You won't always feel this way, you won't always be this lonely. You will find success, you will find love, you will be whole.
I think it takes great courage to live with deep regret everyday. I admire him for climbing up from rock bottom and succeeding in ways he couldn't have imagined in that moment. I admire him for having the courage to find love and trust love.
Yes, I loved him in that moment.....and I have loved him ever since.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Should we make this a Group Blog?
I have been contacted by several women who have read this blog, and have asked to become contributors.
There was a time when I was a part of an online support group for women who were married to or involved with men who were HIV+. That online support group was extremely helpful to me, but I think it has ceased to exist, hence a "group" blog may be a great thing!
Would anyone of you be interested in contributing to this blog, posting your own thoughts and questions, for other women who are involved with HIV+ men? I welcome the idea and just wanted to see if there is anyone interested in making this a group blog.
Please contact me and let me know!
There was a time when I was a part of an online support group for women who were married to or involved with men who were HIV+. That online support group was extremely helpful to me, but I think it has ceased to exist, hence a "group" blog may be a great thing!
Would anyone of you be interested in contributing to this blog, posting your own thoughts and questions, for other women who are involved with HIV+ men? I welcome the idea and just wanted to see if there is anyone interested in making this a group blog.
Please contact me and let me know!
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