Decision Time

Last week, 8 months into this process of trying to get pregnant, we got hit with some startling news, and must seriously evaluate how to proceed.

After 10 years of undetectable viral loads, my husband's viral load is now creeping up, and CD4's are decreasing.

I wonder if this is God's way of telling us He never intended for us to have children. I mean, every door and every possibility has been a dead end...now the discouraging lab results...if this IS what God is trying to tell us, then I am so bitterly angry with Him, for stringing me along and raising hopes only to dash them down.

Everywhere I turn, there is a reminder that we are not getting pregnant. Former Playboy Playmates and reality stars are broadcasting their babies birth on national television. iPhone commercials that feature a woman telling her partner they are finally pregnant. My insurance website features babies and children on every web page that loads, and there is even a movie all about "Babies." It's such a bitter pill to swallow that I'm practically choking. (I'm having a pity party, can you tell?)

We won't be having unprotected sex anymore until his viral load is undetectable and stable. This will probably mean changing his meds, and who knows how long it will take until we feel safe to continue. I'll be 36 in April. The opinions vary, but some books say any woman over 35 has an "acute geriatric uterus." Nice. (Since when does being 35 equal geriatric anything?)

We are wrestling with whether we should call it quits for good. I mean, we gave it a good try. And even though at first, we felt a distance between us, we are now closer than ever.

But the irony of having this dream within my grasp, now slip through my fingers is suffocating.