Clutches of Fear

About 9 days ago, my husband and I had unprotected sex. I hope we conceived a child, but its not feeling likely at this point. What scares me is that about 3 days after that, I woke up with a humongous cold sore on my upper lip.

I've been getting cold sores for my entire life. My mother passed the herpes virus to me when I was in grade school and I've been dealing with occasional flare ups ever since. In my adult years, I get about one outbreak a year, and its usually pretty mild. But this latest outbreak is really bad. Its actually about 7 or 8 cold sores all clumped together....not a pretty site my friends.

As I was studying the monstrous sore in the bathroom mirror, with beautiful rays of sunlight streaming through the window, I began thinking..."wow, this one is a real dosey" and "how am I going to hide this thing at the fancy work event tomorrow?" and "oh my gosh, its half way across my lip!" and lastly, "why is it so big this time?" Suddenly, out of nowhere, I found myself deep in the clutches of fear. "Does this mean I'm HIV+....Did I get infected?" That would explain why its so huge, and why I got the outbreak in the first place. I ran to my computer and Googled it.

I told my husband what I was fearing about the cold sore, and he literally froze in his place. I responded with "Oh, its probably nothing, I'm just being paranoid." Which gave him permission to leave the room and leave me alone with my fear...and that little exchange is a whole other posting but anyway...

I probably got the cold sore because I was so busy and stressed out about that fancy event at work I mentioned, but I'm still not entirely convinced it doesn't mean I have HIV.

I get tested every month, but this time I'm really scared to go, to the point of putting it off. Its not very responsible of me, but its where I'm at for now.

My cold sore is slowly healing, but I can't help but wonder if all this risk is worth it. Every time we have unprotected sex, I roll the dice....and sooner or later, its going to land on my number.