Now that we're nearly 4 months into life with a baby, I am noticing my husband has a particular way he interacts with our daughter that I think is related to his HIV status. It just breaks my heart to see, but the shame he feels is manifesting in a way that prevents him from fully enjoying life with his new daughter.
Just simple things like a reluctance to touch her, kiss her, or even breath on her. I hope he can work through his shame and fear because as she grows older, she will interpret his reluctance as rejection.
It all comes down to his lack of acceptance about his status. He is so afraid to face it and accept it because it would mean having to face the bad choices that caused him to contract HIV. He is ashamed of his choices, and ashamed of his status, and until he can forgive himself, he will continue to feel that way.
I wish he could know...truly know...how much I love him. I wish he could know how his smile, his smell, his touch is a source of happiness and contentment for me. I wish he could love himself as much as I love him. And I wish he would love himself as much as his daughter will love him. Children pick up on our vibrations....she will know that he doesn't love himself, and in turn, will struggle with her own issues of self-love.
I can only hope that with her every smile and giggle he comes one step closer to accepting and loving himself, and teach her to do the same.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Friday, July 12, 2013
Baby Girl!
Our beautiful healthy baby girl was born in April 2013. She is beyond what my wildest imagination could have conjured...far beyond.
The labor and delivery went quickly with no complications. It was a beautiful day.
The greatest miracle of all is how my family has reacted to her. For all the years of heartache, years of rejecting my marriage and maintaining their distance, it turns out that my parents are incredible grandparents.
I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your support and encouragement. I read all of your emails and comments, and feel honored that you would tell me intimate and personal details about your own relationships with HIV+ spouses/partners. It was a scary journey with many ups and downs, but my heart led me to this point, and I am filled with deep gratitude.
And so the journey to conceive a child has ended.....and the new adventure of parenthood begins.
The labor and delivery went quickly with no complications. It was a beautiful day.
The greatest miracle of all is how my family has reacted to her. For all the years of heartache, years of rejecting my marriage and maintaining their distance, it turns out that my parents are incredible grandparents.
I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your support and encouragement. I read all of your emails and comments, and feel honored that you would tell me intimate and personal details about your own relationships with HIV+ spouses/partners. It was a scary journey with many ups and downs, but my heart led me to this point, and I am filled with deep gratitude.
And so the journey to conceive a child has ended.....and the new adventure of parenthood begins.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
More to think about...
(Sorry its been so long since my last posting....ever since finding out I am pregnant, it seems I'm too tired or too busy to do much extracurricular stuff. Anyway, I am currently 32 weeks pregnant and all is well so far. I continue to test negative for HIV, and feel confident that I will remain negative.)
I've been wanting to write about my feelings on having a baby with a man that is HIV+. I realize that when his doctor told me he would have a "normal lifespan," I found comfort in that statement. I didn't think beyond it though. But suddenly I find myself wondering what does that really mean? A normal lifespan?
Will he be alive for 10, 20, 30 more years? Will he be healthy for those years or will he be dealing with complications from HIV? Will he see our child graduate high school, go to college, get married? I know there are no clear answers, and much of it depends on how well he takes care of himself, but I want/need more solid answers than that.
And, how will this impact our child? Will they be bullied or teased because of it? Will their friends be allowed to play and have sleepovers at our house, or will parents feel uneasy about my husband's HIV status? Will they even know about his status? Will our child announce his status to the class, teacher, friends, etc not really understanding the stigma that is attached? How and when will we explain this all to our little one?
We spent years pursuing a pregnancy and I am so grateful to be pregnant, but am realizing that there are still a lot of feelings, thoughts, and questions that I didn't know I had to work through. Am realizing that I didn't think far beyond the moment when I'd see the pregnancy test turn positive. There is now a whole other life to consider when we make our decisions regarding disclosure, medication regiments, and health. And at times, my husband and I are not on the same page about those decisions, and that complicates things.
I don't know if I'll ever find the answers l I need, or if I truly need those answers.... For now, we relish every day of this pregnancy. We marvel at the wonder of life created. And we soak up the genuine and deep love we have for each other and for our little one.
I've been wanting to write about my feelings on having a baby with a man that is HIV+. I realize that when his doctor told me he would have a "normal lifespan," I found comfort in that statement. I didn't think beyond it though. But suddenly I find myself wondering what does that really mean? A normal lifespan?
Will he be alive for 10, 20, 30 more years? Will he be healthy for those years or will he be dealing with complications from HIV? Will he see our child graduate high school, go to college, get married? I know there are no clear answers, and much of it depends on how well he takes care of himself, but I want/need more solid answers than that.
And, how will this impact our child? Will they be bullied or teased because of it? Will their friends be allowed to play and have sleepovers at our house, or will parents feel uneasy about my husband's HIV status? Will they even know about his status? Will our child announce his status to the class, teacher, friends, etc not really understanding the stigma that is attached? How and when will we explain this all to our little one?
We spent years pursuing a pregnancy and I am so grateful to be pregnant, but am realizing that there are still a lot of feelings, thoughts, and questions that I didn't know I had to work through. Am realizing that I didn't think far beyond the moment when I'd see the pregnancy test turn positive. There is now a whole other life to consider when we make our decisions regarding disclosure, medication regiments, and health. And at times, my husband and I are not on the same page about those decisions, and that complicates things.
I don't know if I'll ever find the answers l I need, or if I truly need those answers.... For now, we relish every day of this pregnancy. We marvel at the wonder of life created. And we soak up the genuine and deep love we have for each other and for our little one.
Friday, August 17, 2012
It's finally happened...WE'RE PREGNANT!
Well friends, after many years of trying...we have finally succeeded! I found out earlier this week that I am pregnant! It has been a journey of valleys....and now finally the mountaintop.
Since my husband is HIV+ and I am negative, we have been considering our options for pregnancy for over a decade now. We finally decided that our best option was to have planned unprotected intercourse during the times I was ovulating. I am lucky to have a team of doctors and specialists who were supportive and encouraging, and after many discussions, consultations, and lots of research I was fortunate to have a doctor that prescribed me Truvada, an HIV medication that can be prescribed to HIV negative people who are at high-risk of infection. Truvada was just recently approved by the FDA to be used for Pre-Exposure Prophlaxis (PrEP). (Read more about that here)
We've been announcing it to friends and once again, I am reminded that I must give people room to react, and not take their reactions personally. Everyone we have shared the exciting news with has immediately asked..."How did you guys do that?!" before congratulating or celebrating with us...and it is something we expected people to do. In fact, we made the decision early on to simply say "We worked very closely with a great team of doctors and specialists to make it happen and we are thrilled that we were successful, " and leave it at that. But somehow, when the question was asked, and the moment came to say the line we had practiced so many times....we just couldn't do it. I don't know how to explain it...we just both felt that the little miracle baby inside of me deserved our complete confidence and honesty. So, even though we didn't plan it that way, we just simply said, "We got pregnant naturally, and we worked very closely with a great team of doctors and specialists to make it happen and we are thrilled that we were successful, and we feel confident that both mom and baby are healthy as can be."
We were both surprised by our impromptu decision to be upfront and honest with people after years of planning to be ambiguous, but somehow, its what is right for us and for the new little miracle baby. We found that the confidence in our response set the tone for people's reactions....we simply stated the truth and something about our tone let people know that the issue wasn't up for debate or questioning, and that our expectation was that they be excited for us.
It is a great lesson for me...we have explored every option in our attempts to get pregnant, and now that we have been successful, there is no reason to feel less than confident, nothing to apologize for, and no reason to go into details about how it happened because the most exciting part is that we were successful!
I could tell that our parents wanted more details, but initially, we simply didn't "go there." However, I talked to my mom a couple days later and had an in-depth conversation about our decision. She was definitely uneasy with the fact that I risked exposure to myself, and she told me that until I am officially pronounced "negative" she cannot enjoy or celebrate the news. I am totally fine with that. As I've learned, people need room to react. It is a lot to take in and accept. (If you knew my mom you'd know its WAAAAYY out of her comfort zone to be calm about something like this...she didn't talk to me for 5 years after I told her that my husband was HIV positive, but that's a topic for another day)
I told her that I could certainly understand her hesitancy to be excited given the circumstances, but if she didn't feel she could celebrate our miracle, we would continue the celebration and she could join us whenever she felt she could. The fact is, I know she is trying to manipulate me into engaging with her on "How could you have been so careless" and "What if this" "What if that" but I know how the journey went for me. I don't need to provide answers to anyone about any part of this journey. I just want to surround my little miracle baby with love, comfort, peace, and goodness. If someone wants to bring a negative attitude or energy to this, I feel a responsibility to protect myself and little one against those negative vibes and I make no apologies about that. We have too much to do before April 18th when the little miracle baby is expected to arrive to worry about whether people approve of our decisions.
Now, about those baby names......
We've been announcing it to friends and once again, I am reminded that I must give people room to react, and not take their reactions personally. Everyone we have shared the exciting news with has immediately asked..."How did you guys do that?!" before congratulating or celebrating with us...and it is something we expected people to do. In fact, we made the decision early on to simply say "We worked very closely with a great team of doctors and specialists to make it happen and we are thrilled that we were successful, " and leave it at that. But somehow, when the question was asked, and the moment came to say the line we had practiced so many times....we just couldn't do it. I don't know how to explain it...we just both felt that the little miracle baby inside of me deserved our complete confidence and honesty. So, even though we didn't plan it that way, we just simply said, "We got pregnant naturally, and we worked very closely with a great team of doctors and specialists to make it happen and we are thrilled that we were successful, and we feel confident that both mom and baby are healthy as can be."
We were both surprised by our impromptu decision to be upfront and honest with people after years of planning to be ambiguous, but somehow, its what is right for us and for the new little miracle baby. We found that the confidence in our response set the tone for people's reactions....we simply stated the truth and something about our tone let people know that the issue wasn't up for debate or questioning, and that our expectation was that they be excited for us.
It is a great lesson for me...we have explored every option in our attempts to get pregnant, and now that we have been successful, there is no reason to feel less than confident, nothing to apologize for, and no reason to go into details about how it happened because the most exciting part is that we were successful!
I could tell that our parents wanted more details, but initially, we simply didn't "go there." However, I talked to my mom a couple days later and had an in-depth conversation about our decision. She was definitely uneasy with the fact that I risked exposure to myself, and she told me that until I am officially pronounced "negative" she cannot enjoy or celebrate the news. I am totally fine with that. As I've learned, people need room to react. It is a lot to take in and accept. (If you knew my mom you'd know its WAAAAYY out of her comfort zone to be calm about something like this...she didn't talk to me for 5 years after I told her that my husband was HIV positive, but that's a topic for another day)
I told her that I could certainly understand her hesitancy to be excited given the circumstances, but if she didn't feel she could celebrate our miracle, we would continue the celebration and she could join us whenever she felt she could. The fact is, I know she is trying to manipulate me into engaging with her on "How could you have been so careless" and "What if this" "What if that" but I know how the journey went for me. I don't need to provide answers to anyone about any part of this journey. I just want to surround my little miracle baby with love, comfort, peace, and goodness. If someone wants to bring a negative attitude or energy to this, I feel a responsibility to protect myself and little one against those negative vibes and I make no apologies about that. We have too much to do before April 18th when the little miracle baby is expected to arrive to worry about whether people approve of our decisions.
Now, about those baby names......
Monday, April 23, 2012
Pressure
After nearly a year of being separated, my husband and I have decided to get back together. It has been good for us to be separated because it made each of us look at our own issues. For me, those issues were about codependency. For him, they were about addiction. A very common theme in households with people who struggle with substance abuse.
When I first learned that my husband was HIV+, I was very intrigued. He was the first person I had ever met that was HIV+. To be honest, my intrigue was probably my codependent tendencies getting riled up. We started dating, and after I did a lot of research on HIV/AIDS, I made the decision to marry him. But I did not marry him because I loved him, I married him because I felt that no one else would and he would die alone. He was too great of a person to die alone, and in a twisted contorted kind of way, I mistook those feeling and thoughts for love. I honestly didn't think we would be married for longer than 5 years. I thought he would die of AIDS before our 5 year wedding anniversary.
Now, of course, over these past ten years of marriage, my feelings have evolved and I love him for all the right reasons (and some wrong reasons too), but it was good for me to untangle those feelings with my therapist over these past months.
My weekly sessions with my therapist helped me to get to the bottom of my codependent issues. I knew that my decision to marry him stemmed from my codependent tendencies. I loved him too, but mostly I married him because I needed to be needed. And I think he married me because he needed to be taken care of....most addicts do.
We knew that our marriage would be over if only one of us changed, or if neither changed. The only way our marriage could survive was if we both changed in equal and sometimes opposite ways. I had to stop "caring" (controlling) him, and he had to start taking full responsibility for himself. It was the only way we would survive, and I am happy to say we both made the decision to work hard on ourselves to keep the marriage alive.
Now that I am past the "crisis" of stabilizing our marriage, I am able to think back to the friends and family who offered advice or support to me during that difficult time. There were a few friends and family members who were amazingly supportive and let me go through each phase without interjecting their opinions or imposing their advice. But others, mainly my therapist, were not so caring and it has left a bad taste in my mouth.
I have been seeing this therapist for at least 5 years. My husband and I would often go see her together. She helped us work through the decision to try to conceive naturally. So I was surprised at her reaction when she began to realize that I would make the decision to stay with my husband. One day she asked how I was feeling and when I told her that I just didn't think I could get divorced, she seemed frustrated and asked how could she best support me to make that decision. I told her that I felt as if I was on a high diving board, and I had to decide if I was going to jump off into the pool (divorce), or go back down from the diving board and not make the jump (stay together). I told her that I needed her help to determine my decision. Her response was that I needed to be pushed off the diving board. She was pressuring me to get divorced! And I felt this way from a few other friends as well....this pressure to divorce.
I got the sense that my therapist, and these friends, thought that I had "married beneath myself" and if I could escape from my marriage, I would be better off. Their thoughts were relevant, and I even felt the same way at times, but feeling their pressure was very off-putting.
I've learned over these ten years that people have their own issues and fears around HIV/AIDS, and I have to give people room to react to my circumstances with my husband. As I mentioned before, many friends severed their friendships with me when I made the decision to marry him, and I know it was out of their own fears and lack of education...but instead of forcing them to see things from my perspective, I had to just give them room to deal with their stuff. I am back at that point with some friends now...
Most of them have been supportive of me over the years and I am very surprised by the pressure I feel from them to end my marriage and start over with someone else. Someone who does not have as many "issues"....someone who does not have HIV.
Being a co-dependent person, it has been difficult to stand up for myself, because I want to please everyone. I wanted them to feel as if I was listening and valuing their advice...but I soon realized that this can't be how I relate to people anymore.
It became clear to me that I needed to give myself room to react to my friends and therapist. I want to consider their perspectives and analyze why I'm feeling pressured by them. Is their reaction truly about the HIV or is it about something else?
Either way, it feels good to be self-reflective and self-aware...and that's the way I need to stay for a while.
When I first learned that my husband was HIV+, I was very intrigued. He was the first person I had ever met that was HIV+. To be honest, my intrigue was probably my codependent tendencies getting riled up. We started dating, and after I did a lot of research on HIV/AIDS, I made the decision to marry him. But I did not marry him because I loved him, I married him because I felt that no one else would and he would die alone. He was too great of a person to die alone, and in a twisted contorted kind of way, I mistook those feeling and thoughts for love. I honestly didn't think we would be married for longer than 5 years. I thought he would die of AIDS before our 5 year wedding anniversary.
Now, of course, over these past ten years of marriage, my feelings have evolved and I love him for all the right reasons (and some wrong reasons too), but it was good for me to untangle those feelings with my therapist over these past months.
My weekly sessions with my therapist helped me to get to the bottom of my codependent issues. I knew that my decision to marry him stemmed from my codependent tendencies. I loved him too, but mostly I married him because I needed to be needed. And I think he married me because he needed to be taken care of....most addicts do.
We knew that our marriage would be over if only one of us changed, or if neither changed. The only way our marriage could survive was if we both changed in equal and sometimes opposite ways. I had to stop "caring" (controlling) him, and he had to start taking full responsibility for himself. It was the only way we would survive, and I am happy to say we both made the decision to work hard on ourselves to keep the marriage alive.
Now that I am past the "crisis" of stabilizing our marriage, I am able to think back to the friends and family who offered advice or support to me during that difficult time. There were a few friends and family members who were amazingly supportive and let me go through each phase without interjecting their opinions or imposing their advice. But others, mainly my therapist, were not so caring and it has left a bad taste in my mouth.
I have been seeing this therapist for at least 5 years. My husband and I would often go see her together. She helped us work through the decision to try to conceive naturally. So I was surprised at her reaction when she began to realize that I would make the decision to stay with my husband. One day she asked how I was feeling and when I told her that I just didn't think I could get divorced, she seemed frustrated and asked how could she best support me to make that decision. I told her that I felt as if I was on a high diving board, and I had to decide if I was going to jump off into the pool (divorce), or go back down from the diving board and not make the jump (stay together). I told her that I needed her help to determine my decision. Her response was that I needed to be pushed off the diving board. She was pressuring me to get divorced! And I felt this way from a few other friends as well....this pressure to divorce.
I got the sense that my therapist, and these friends, thought that I had "married beneath myself" and if I could escape from my marriage, I would be better off. Their thoughts were relevant, and I even felt the same way at times, but feeling their pressure was very off-putting.
I've learned over these ten years that people have their own issues and fears around HIV/AIDS, and I have to give people room to react to my circumstances with my husband. As I mentioned before, many friends severed their friendships with me when I made the decision to marry him, and I know it was out of their own fears and lack of education...but instead of forcing them to see things from my perspective, I had to just give them room to deal with their stuff. I am back at that point with some friends now...
Most of them have been supportive of me over the years and I am very surprised by the pressure I feel from them to end my marriage and start over with someone else. Someone who does not have as many "issues"....someone who does not have HIV.
Being a co-dependent person, it has been difficult to stand up for myself, because I want to please everyone. I wanted them to feel as if I was listening and valuing their advice...but I soon realized that this can't be how I relate to people anymore.
It became clear to me that I needed to give myself room to react to my friends and therapist. I want to consider their perspectives and analyze why I'm feeling pressured by them. Is their reaction truly about the HIV or is it about something else?
Either way, it feels good to be self-reflective and self-aware...and that's the way I need to stay for a while.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Considering my Options
A couple of posts ago, I expressed how my husband is going through a mid-life crisis...especially because he didn't think he would live this long being HIV+. In that post, I described how he had begun drinking more. Well...his drinking continued and got worse to the point that it became a serious issue in our marriage. We stopped trying to have a baby. And the tension in our relationship reached a breaking point.
This past July, he got into a physical altercation with someone after a long night of clubbing, and ended up in jail. I initially refused to bail him out, but finally did a week later so he would not get terminated from his job. We have been separated ever since.
He has stopped drinking now, and is really working the 12 steps in AA, but I still don't think he is dealing with the issue of facing his illness. And I'm not sure that he ever will...or if it would make a difference anymore.
During this time of separation, I find myself seriously considering getting a divorce. Not because I don't love him, but because it would be a chance to "escape" being married to a man that is HIV+. What would it be like to have a relationship with someone that doesn't require having cases of condoms around? Not having to get tested all the time...not having a secret to keep from everyone...not worrying about facial wasting and side effects of medication?
And then I wonder if anyone would even date me if they knew I had been married to a guy with HIV for the past ten years. There is some serious stigma and baggage attached to this issue. And it makes me wonder....what does being in this relationship say about me? What does it say about my judgement..or lack thereof? Did I marry him because of my codependent tendencies? Probably.
But that doesn't mean my love for him is not real. And so, I continue to consider my options.
This past July, he got into a physical altercation with someone after a long night of clubbing, and ended up in jail. I initially refused to bail him out, but finally did a week later so he would not get terminated from his job. We have been separated ever since.
He has stopped drinking now, and is really working the 12 steps in AA, but I still don't think he is dealing with the issue of facing his illness. And I'm not sure that he ever will...or if it would make a difference anymore.
During this time of separation, I find myself seriously considering getting a divorce. Not because I don't love him, but because it would be a chance to "escape" being married to a man that is HIV+. What would it be like to have a relationship with someone that doesn't require having cases of condoms around? Not having to get tested all the time...not having a secret to keep from everyone...not worrying about facial wasting and side effects of medication?
And then I wonder if anyone would even date me if they knew I had been married to a guy with HIV for the past ten years. There is some serious stigma and baggage attached to this issue. And it makes me wonder....what does being in this relationship say about me? What does it say about my judgement..or lack thereof? Did I marry him because of my codependent tendencies? Probably.
But that doesn't mean my love for him is not real. And so, I continue to consider my options.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Clutches of Fear
About 9 days ago, my husband and I had unprotected sex. I hope we conceived a child, but its not feeling likely at this point. What scares me is that about 3 days after that, I woke up with a humongous cold sore on my upper lip.
I've been getting cold sores for my entire life. My mother passed the herpes virus to me when I was in grade school and I've been dealing with occasional flare ups ever since. In my adult years, I get about one outbreak a year, and its usually pretty mild. But this latest outbreak is really bad. Its actually about 7 or 8 cold sores all clumped together....not a pretty site my friends.
As I was studying the monstrous sore in the bathroom mirror, with beautiful rays of sunlight streaming through the window, I began thinking..."wow, this one is a real dosey" and "how am I going to hide this thing at the fancy work event tomorrow?" and "oh my gosh, its half way across my lip!" and lastly, "why is it so big this time?" Suddenly, out of nowhere, I found myself deep in the clutches of fear. "Does this mean I'm HIV+....Did I get infected?" That would explain why its so huge, and why I got the outbreak in the first place. I ran to my computer and Googled it.
I told my husband what I was fearing about the cold sore, and he literally froze in his place. I responded with "Oh, its probably nothing, I'm just being paranoid." Which gave him permission to leave the room and leave me alone with my fear...and that little exchange is a whole other posting but anyway...
I probably got the cold sore because I was so busy and stressed out about that fancy event at work I mentioned, but I'm still not entirely convinced it doesn't mean I have HIV.
I get tested every month, but this time I'm really scared to go, to the point of putting it off. Its not very responsible of me, but its where I'm at for now.
My cold sore is slowly healing, but I can't help but wonder if all this risk is worth it. Every time we have unprotected sex, I roll the dice....and sooner or later, its going to land on my number.
I've been getting cold sores for my entire life. My mother passed the herpes virus to me when I was in grade school and I've been dealing with occasional flare ups ever since. In my adult years, I get about one outbreak a year, and its usually pretty mild. But this latest outbreak is really bad. Its actually about 7 or 8 cold sores all clumped together....not a pretty site my friends.
As I was studying the monstrous sore in the bathroom mirror, with beautiful rays of sunlight streaming through the window, I began thinking..."wow, this one is a real dosey" and "how am I going to hide this thing at the fancy work event tomorrow?" and "oh my gosh, its half way across my lip!" and lastly, "why is it so big this time?" Suddenly, out of nowhere, I found myself deep in the clutches of fear. "Does this mean I'm HIV+....Did I get infected?" That would explain why its so huge, and why I got the outbreak in the first place. I ran to my computer and Googled it.
I told my husband what I was fearing about the cold sore, and he literally froze in his place. I responded with "Oh, its probably nothing, I'm just being paranoid." Which gave him permission to leave the room and leave me alone with my fear...and that little exchange is a whole other posting but anyway...
I probably got the cold sore because I was so busy and stressed out about that fancy event at work I mentioned, but I'm still not entirely convinced it doesn't mean I have HIV.
I get tested every month, but this time I'm really scared to go, to the point of putting it off. Its not very responsible of me, but its where I'm at for now.
My cold sore is slowly healing, but I can't help but wonder if all this risk is worth it. Every time we have unprotected sex, I roll the dice....and sooner or later, its going to land on my number.
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