Clutches of Fear

About 9 days ago, my husband and I had unprotected sex. I hope we conceived a child, but its not feeling likely at this point. What scares me is that about 3 days after that, I woke up with a humongous cold sore on my upper lip.

I've been getting cold sores for my entire life. My mother passed the herpes virus to me when I was in grade school and I've been dealing with occasional flare ups ever since. In my adult years, I get about one outbreak a year, and its usually pretty mild. But this latest outbreak is really bad. Its actually about 7 or 8 cold sores all clumped together....not a pretty site my friends.

As I was studying the monstrous sore in the bathroom mirror, with beautiful rays of sunlight streaming through the window, I began thinking..."wow, this one is a real dosey" and "how am I going to hide this thing at the fancy work event tomorrow?" and "oh my gosh, its half way across my lip!" and lastly, "why is it so big this time?" Suddenly, out of nowhere, I found myself deep in the clutches of fear. "Does this mean I'm HIV+....Did I get infected?" That would explain why its so huge, and why I got the outbreak in the first place. I ran to my computer and Googled it.

I told my husband what I was fearing about the cold sore, and he literally froze in his place. I responded with "Oh, its probably nothing, I'm just being paranoid." Which gave him permission to leave the room and leave me alone with my fear...and that little exchange is a whole other posting but anyway...

I probably got the cold sore because I was so busy and stressed out about that fancy event at work I mentioned, but I'm still not entirely convinced it doesn't mean I have HIV.

I get tested every month, but this time I'm really scared to go, to the point of putting it off. Its not very responsible of me, but its where I'm at for now.

My cold sore is slowly healing, but I can't help but wonder if all this risk is worth it. Every time we have unprotected sex, I roll the dice....and sooner or later, its going to land on my number.

My email address

I've gotten a few requests for information/communication submitted as comments to a blog posting.

Unfortunately, I can't respond to your comments because your email addresses are not visible to me, so please email me at poprock333@gmail.com if you'd like to discuss the topics on this blog.

Thanks!

New Regrets

My husband is going through a mid-life crisis of sorts...he's been acting very differently and seems more restless and uncomfortable than usual. He's been going out drinking a couple nights a week with his co-workers, buying expensive electronic equipment, and he even got a new hairstyle...just to give you a few examples.

I don't know if anyone else goes though this with their HIV+ partner, but my husband has a difficult time realizing when he is uncomfortable. For example, sometimes he doesn't realize that he's hungry. Or he'll be sitting in an odd position and doesn't realize its painful to him to sit that way. I've always been more in tune with his body and emotions than he has been with himself. Its like he doesn't want to acknowledge anything about his physical body, if it requires some sort of attention.

It was always puzzling to me. I finally came up with a theory. He doesn't want to acknowledge his physical needs, because it would mean acknowledging that he has HIV. He just doesn't want to confront his condition.

So I asked him if my theory was correct and he told me that I might be on to something. End of conversation.

A couple days later, he told me that he was thinking about his recent actions and realized that he is going through a variation of a mid-life crisis. He turned 39 in March, and with 40 looming on the horizon, he realized that he had never made plans to live this long.

He has to re-orient himself with new possibilities. He has questions..."How much longer do I have"...."Will I make it to 50"...."How long until I get sick"...."What are my hopes and dreams for this future"...."Should I even have hopes and dreams for this future"....

And there is a part of him that is bitter. Bitter because he thought he would be dead by now, and if he had known (or accepted) that he'd still be alive, he would have made different choices along the way. He would have invested longer in going to school. He would have pursued a different career path. He would have tried to have children sooner. He would have saved more money. He would have taken better care of himself. And on and on.

I want to be as supportive as possible because I can't even imagine how difficult this has to be for him. He is having to face the emotional realities of his condition, and decide how to confront the uncertain future, and make peace with his past.

Yes, he has new possibilities....but also new regrets.

Decision Time

Last week, 8 months into this process of trying to get pregnant, we got hit with some startling news, and must seriously evaluate how to proceed.

After 10 years of undetectable viral loads, my husband's viral load is now creeping up, and CD4's are decreasing.

I wonder if this is God's way of telling us He never intended for us to have children. I mean, every door and every possibility has been a dead end...now the discouraging lab results...if this IS what God is trying to tell us, then I am so bitterly angry with Him, for stringing me along and raising hopes only to dash them down.

Everywhere I turn, there is a reminder that we are not getting pregnant. Former Playboy Playmates and reality stars are broadcasting their babies birth on national television. iPhone commercials that feature a woman telling her partner they are finally pregnant. My insurance website features babies and children on every web page that loads, and there is even a movie all about "Babies." It's such a bitter pill to swallow that I'm practically choking. (I'm having a pity party, can you tell?)

We won't be having unprotected sex anymore until his viral load is undetectable and stable. This will probably mean changing his meds, and who knows how long it will take until we feel safe to continue. I'll be 36 in April. The opinions vary, but some books say any woman over 35 has an "acute geriatric uterus." Nice. (Since when does being 35 equal geriatric anything?)

We are wrestling with whether we should call it quits for good. I mean, we gave it a good try. And even though at first, we felt a distance between us, we are now closer than ever.

But the irony of having this dream within my grasp, now slip through my fingers is suffocating.

Calling all Serodiscordant Couples!!!

I was recently contacted by a woman who works for a national magazine. She is interested in profiling an HIV-negative woman who is married to a positive man and either recently gave birth, is currently pregnant, or is trying to conceive.

She hopes to write a story about rights to motherhood and the limited options available to serodiscordant couples. She hopes to speak with couples who have had a variety of experiences conceiving...from timed unprotected sex to IVF with sperm washing.

The magazine requires that all persons contributing to the story must be willing to use their true, full names.

If you are interested, please contact Sushma by emailing her:

sushma.subramanian@gmail.com

Four Months Down

We are in our fourth month of having planned unprotected sex to try to conceive, and I'm beginning to fear it may not happen for us. We decided we would try this way for 6 months.

I have discovered a host of women out there..on website forums, who are struggling with infertility and desperately trying to get pregnant like my husband and I. I don't know if any of them have a partner who is HIV+, but no matter the circumstance...infertility is devastating. There are a lot of acronyms and medical language dedicated to trying to conceive, and I'm trying to maneuver my way through learning it all. Yesterday, I had a moment of self-pity as I was trying to learn about hormones, ovulation, fertility aids, and acronyms. I got frustrated thinking about spending all this time and effort into being educated about my body and our chances for successful conception, and I didn't want to be learning anything about it anymore. I get tired of learning and researching about HIV and AIDS. Now I'm tired of learning about infertility. These are two subjects I want to be ignorant about. I know its selfish, but I just get overwhelmed with the amount of information that's out there. I'll never be able to wade through it all.

I educate myself because its my way of coming to terms with reality, and I feel more assured if I know what to expect, what's normal, and what's significant. But sometimes, what I learn is things may not work out. Things may take a turn for the worst. Or things may stay the same.

I've spent 8 years hoping that we will find the opportunity or method to safely get pregnant just around the bend...but so far nothing has gone in our favor. And I've fought this fight for a while now but I'm just tired of hoping, and wanting, and pursuing, and praying.

I don't want to be disappointed when I get my period. I don't want to take a special medication and get tested every month. And I don't want to think about conceiving, or unprotected sex, or worst case scenarios anymore.

I simply want a moment in time...the moment when I read a positive pregnancy test. Its just that simple...and that complicated.

An Old Man

My husband and I live a very normal life, but we are constantly balancing our fears of his sickness and dying of AIDS, against hopes of a long lifetime together. Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. I am usually more optimistic about a long lifetime together than my husband is because of an experience he shared with me.

Many years ago, when he was newly diagnosed with HIV, he went on a religious retreat with some friends, that did not know of his HIV status. There was a speaker, and several workshop sessions over the two weekend days. On the last night of the retreat, my husband had a dream where he saw himself as an old man, sitting in the front row of a small church. He didn't think much of the dream, didn't talk about it with anyone, and went about preparing for the final day of the retreat. During the final session of the retreat, the speaker unexpectedly singled my husband out from the crowd of nearly 200 people, and told him the dream he had the night before was intended to "silence his greatest fear". Instantly my husband realized the significance of his being an old man in the dream. His fear of dying a young man, an early HIV related death was his greatest fear then....and still is today.

Just this morning I reminded him about that dream when he woke me up at 5am wanting me to examine his right hand. He had redness and slight swelling, probably from a spider bite, but he was convinced it was the beginning of the end of his life. Seriously.

I am constantly "talking him down" from these irrational and paranoid fears, and trying to convince him the swelling, or irritation, or pain, or bruise does not mean he is dying. It breaks my heart to see him so afraid of HIV. After fifteen years of living with HIV, he is still in denial about anything except that it can kill him. I understand it though. If I let my mind wander, I have to fight my own fears about his illness, and our future together. When it gets to be too much, and too worrisome, I cling to the hope of that dream he had. It may not be very scientific, or even realistic, but one thing I do know...my husband ages very well. And sometimes, knowing that gets me through and keeps me from losing all hope.