Thursday, April 22, 2010

Four Months Down

We are in our fourth month of having planned unprotected sex to try to conceive, and I'm beginning to fear it may not happen for us. We decided we would try this way for 6 months.

I have discovered a host of women out there..on website forums, who are struggling with infertility and desperately trying to get pregnant like my husband and I. I don't know if any of them have a partner who is HIV+, but no matter the circumstance...infertility is devastating. There are a lot of acronyms and medical language dedicated to trying to conceive, and I'm trying to maneuver my way through learning it all. Yesterday, I had a moment of self-pity as I was trying to learn about hormones, ovulation, fertility aids, and acronyms. I got frustrated thinking about spending all this time and effort into being educated about my body and our chances for successful conception, and I didn't want to be learning anything about it anymore. I get tired of learning and researching about HIV and AIDS. Now I'm tired of learning about infertility. These are two subjects I want to be ignorant about. I know its selfish, but I just get overwhelmed with the amount of information that's out there. I'll never be able to wade through it all.

I educate myself because its my way of coming to terms with reality, and I feel more assured if I know what to expect, what's normal, and what's significant. But sometimes, what I learn is things may not work out. Things may take a turn for the worst. Or things may stay the same.

I've spent 8 years hoping that we will find the opportunity or method to safely get pregnant just around the bend...but so far nothing has gone in our favor. And I've fought this fight for a while now but I'm just tired of hoping, and wanting, and pursuing, and praying.

I don't want to be disappointed when I get my period. I don't want to take a special medication and get tested every month. And I don't want to think about conceiving, or unprotected sex, or worst case scenarios anymore.

I simply want a moment in time...the moment when I read a positive pregnancy test. Its just that simple...and that complicated.