Friday, August 16, 2013


Now that we're nearly 4 months into life with a baby, I am noticing my husband has a particular way he interacts with our daughter that I think is related to his HIV status.  It just breaks my heart to see, but the shame he feels is manifesting in a way that prevents him from fully enjoying life with his new daughter.

Just simple things like a reluctance to touch her, kiss her, or even breath on her.  I hope he can work through his shame and fear because as she grows older, she will interpret his reluctance as rejection.

It all comes down to his lack of acceptance about his status.   He is so afraid to face it and accept it because it would mean having to face the bad choices that caused him to contract HIV.  He is ashamed of his choices, and ashamed of his status, and until he can forgive himself, he will continue to feel that way.

I wish he could know...truly much I love him.  I wish he could know how his smile, his smell, his touch is a source of happiness and contentment for me.  I wish he could love himself as much as I love him.  And I wish he would love himself as much as his daughter will love him.  Children pick up on our vibrations....she will know that he doesn't love himself, and in turn, will struggle with her own issues of self-love.

I can only hope that with her every smile and giggle he comes one step closer to accepting and loving himself, and teach her to do the same.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Baby Girl!

Our beautiful healthy baby girl was born in April 2013.  She is beyond what my wildest imagination could have conjured...far beyond.

The labor and delivery went quickly with no complications.  It was a beautiful day.

The greatest miracle of all is how my family has reacted to her.  For all the years of heartache, years of rejecting my marriage and maintaining their distance, it turns out that my parents are incredible grandparents.

 I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your support and encouragement.  I read all of your emails and comments, and feel honored that you would tell me intimate and personal details about your own relationships with HIV+ spouses/partners.  It was a scary journey with many ups and downs, but my heart led me to this point, and I am filled with deep gratitude.

And so the journey to conceive a child has ended.....and the new adventure of parenthood begins.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

More to think about...

(Sorry its been so long since my last posting....ever since finding out I am pregnant, it seems I'm too tired or too busy to do much extracurricular stuff. Anyway, I am currently 32 weeks pregnant and all is well so far.  I continue to test negative for HIV, and feel confident that I will remain negative.)

I've been wanting to write about my feelings on having a baby with a man that is HIV+.  I realize that when his doctor told me he would have a "normal lifespan," I found comfort in that statement.  I didn't think beyond it though.  But suddenly I find myself wondering what does that really mean?  A normal lifespan?

Will he be alive for 10, 20, 30 more years?  Will he be healthy for those years or will he be dealing with complications from HIV?  Will he see our child graduate high school, go to college, get married?  I know there are no clear answers, and much of it depends on how well he takes care of himself, but I want/need more solid answers than that.

And, how will this impact our child?  Will they be bullied or teased because of it?  Will their friends be allowed to play and have sleepovers at our house, or will parents feel uneasy about my husband's HIV status?  Will they even know about his status?  Will our child announce his status to the class, teacher, friends, etc not really understanding the stigma that is attached?  How and when will we explain this all to our little one?

We spent years pursuing a pregnancy and I am so grateful to be pregnant, but am realizing that there are still a lot of feelings, thoughts, and questions that I didn't know I had to work through.   Am realizing that I didn't think far beyond the moment when I'd see the pregnancy test turn positive. There is now a whole other life to consider when we make our decisions regarding disclosure, medication regiments, and health.  And at times, my husband and I are not on the same page about those decisions, and that complicates things.

I don't know if I'll ever find the answers l I need, or if I truly need those answers.... For now, we relish every day of this pregnancy.  We marvel at the wonder of life created.  And we soak up the genuine and deep love we have for each other and for our little one.