Friday, August 12, 2016

Low Points

I love all of you that reach out to me asking for help and support on the issue of being a person whose life is affected by HIV. I thank you for trusting me with your stories and the personal details of your life.  Your secrets are safe with me ;)

Lately I've felt the urge to speak with you all in person. I want to hear your voices, and let you know that there is a live human being somewhere on this planet who is going through life facing the same challenges, asking the same questions, dreaming the same dreams, wondering the same thoughts, and needing the same help as you. And so, I was speaking to a woman who reached out to me tonight.

In my conversation with my new friend, we spoke about miracles. And I got to thinking about the many miracles that were part of my own journey. And I realized that I am at a place of seeing my past differently. And I began feeling thankful for the ups AND downs of my journey because all of it is a miracle.

My soul has bullet holes of low points. Very Low.

Void of hope Low.   No way out Low.   Center of the earth Low.   Nothing left to give Low.

And now I see those low points as sparks that ignited into miracles. What a miracle it was that I found in 2000, when there was nothing on the internet about HIV/AIDS, and the idea of having a family was validated! What a miracle it was that I kept searching for ways to start a family, after so many doors were slammed in my face. I experienced the miracle of letting go of dreams I didn't even know I had until I realized I couldn't have them. I found the miracle of support in friends and medical professionals at HIVE who fought for my dream when I couldn't fight anymore. I was given the miracle of modern day medicine and conceived a little bundle of miracle that grew so beautifully and peacefully in my belly for 40 weeks.

I could go on and on, but I say all this to encourage you. There will be disappointments on your journey. And there will be low points. But in my experience, life's detours often dead end into miracles. And sometimes you can't see them in the moment, but just on the other side of those tears and lost dreams...the miracles are there. Trust me. They are there.