Thursday, July 6, 2017

To Tell or Not To Tell

Every single day I study my daughter's face and notice her expressions, the way her lips move, her eyes, the highlights in her hair...and every single day I acknowledge the miracle that she is. The miracle I longed for and fought for. I don't take her for granted. She is ferociously loved and adored. Perhaps the most loved child that ever lived. I love her from the deepest crevice of the core of the earth to the farthest star in the farthest galaxy.

She is my miracle PrEP Baby.

Last night my husband and I were talking about the lovely weekend we spent with our neighbors. We were in the common backyard with all 11 children playing in the assortment of inflatable pools and running through the sprinkler obstacle course and dodging the spray from the array of water guns. Sometimes our house had the closest sink to refill from, and another neighbor's house had the closest bathroom, and still another had cold beer in the fridge where we could go help ourselves. Point being that as neighbors, we trust each other, and look out for each other, and care for one another's children. Its the life I dreamed of for my daughter.

In our conversation I asked my husband what he thought would happen if somehow the neighbors found out about his HIV status. Let's say, one day our daughter is playing at the neighbor's house or at school and says something like "My dad takes medicine for HIV." Without hesitation he said, "They wouldn't let their kids come over to play anymore." And I agreed.

We don't know yet how or if we will ever tell our daughter about her daddy....or that she is a PrEP Baby. It just feels like there is so much at stake if we're honest with her, and so much at stake if we're not. Will we lose the All-American weekends with neighbors? Will Macey stop being invited to play with the other kids?

I hope one day the answer of whether to tell her or not, will come to us, just drop into our laps out of thin air the way the Miracle of Her came to us. One day the miracle wasn't possible, and the next was. Maybe that's how it'll be.