Saturday, May 9, 2009

I know the HIV story

I know the story of how my husband contracted HIV.

He told the story once. He knew the exact moment HIV began coursing through his veins. I can't imagine how that must have felt. Knowing the precise moment....

I'm not sure if he has thought of it often, but I have. I have visualized the scene...a dark room, a frivolous friend, and a younger version of my husband. He is a lonely lost soul. He is scared, confused, wounded, and aching with shame. He knows why he came to this place, he knows where things are headed. The pain of his existence is too much to bear and so he begins. Moments later....he knows. He knows it. He feels it. He has it.

I didn't know he existed then, but I loved him. I loved him in that moment. I wish I had been there to save him. I would have held him tight. I would have told him everything is going to be alright. I would have told him things will get better. You won't always feel this way, you won't always be this lonely. You will find success, you will find love, you will be whole.

I think it takes great courage to live with deep regret everyday. I admire him for climbing up from rock bottom and succeeding in ways he couldn't have imagined in that moment. I admire him for having the courage to find love and trust love.

Yes, I loved him in that moment.....and I have loved him ever since.