You may remember a few blog posts ago, I said that I wanted to see one of my husband's HIV infected cells. I talked to a doctor about it, he told me that it would be difficult to see, but even if I could see it, I would probably not see HIV in his cells since his viral load is undetectable. He said something to the effect of "His cells would probably look similar to yours."
But I still wanted to see HIV. So, I came across this image. And I have all kinds of feelings that come up for me when I look at it.
First, you know how you are not sure if you want to look at something....like if there was a "GRAPHIC" warning on it, you might hesitate for a split second and ask yourself, "Do I really want to see this? Am I prepared for what I might see?" And then you go ahead and look at it to find it is much more horrific and disturbing than you thought. Well, that's my first feeling.
I stared at this image, wondering why I was having all kinds of feelings. But I guess its just because the image depicts something so violent. Then, I found this video showing a cell to cell transfer of HIV (scroll down the site's page to get to the video). I found it to be very disturbing, so just warning you.
Its as if the HIV rapes the cell, takes its power, and then makes that cell turn around and do the same thing to other cells. I use the word "rape" because it seems savage, abusive, offensive, dominant, destructive, and humiliating. And doesn't it seem like the healthy cell is desperately struggling to get away? Trying to save itself?
It makes me angry that this is what happened inside my husband's body just about 20 years ago, and what would continue to happen if he was off his meds. I hate that such violence takes place in his body on this micro level. I feel angry at how unkind HIV is to him. I wish I could jump in and stop it, but I can't.
I'm grateful that his medication essentially over powers and outwits the HIV which bring health and vitality to his life. But I still can't help but feel upset. I've finally gotten to see what HIV looks like...and its not pretty. Fuck you HIV. I hope you die.
