Saturday, May 9, 2009

I know the HIV story

I know the story of how my husband contracted HIV.

He told the story once. He knew the exact moment HIV began coursing through his veins. I can't imagine how that must have felt. Knowing the precise moment....

I'm not sure if he has thought of it often, but I have. I have visualized the scene...a dark room, a frivolous friend, and a younger version of my husband. He is a lonely lost soul. He is scared, confused, wounded, and aching with shame. He knows why he came to this place, he knows where things are headed. The pain of his existence is too much to bear and so he begins. Moments later....he knows. He knows it. He feels it. He has it.

I didn't know he existed then, but I loved him. I loved him in that moment. I wish I had been there to save him. I would have held him tight. I would have told him everything is going to be alright. I would have told him things will get better. You won't always feel this way, you won't always be this lonely. You will find success, you will find love, you will be whole.

I think it takes great courage to live with deep regret everyday. I admire him for climbing up from rock bottom and succeeding in ways he couldn't have imagined in that moment. I admire him for having the courage to find love and trust love.

Yes, I loved him in that moment.....and I have loved him ever since.


Magnetic Mama said...

My husband told me his story, too. It haunts me and it hurts me to know the guilt that he carries around for unknowingly having put me at risk for years because of 2 weeks of teenage carelessness. But I respect him so much for telling me.

Thanks for this blog, I'm desperately trying to connect with other 'magnetic' spouses. This blog actually inspired me to do my own and try and connect this way. So thanks for getting the ball rolling for me and probably lots of others out there.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure but I can only imagine that it would be some sort of relief to know where you got it and when you got it. My husband was diagnosed 10 years ago and has no idea where he contracted it. This for some reason drives ME crazy.
He's a wonderful husband though and I will stand by him, every step of the way.