Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Sex without a Condom

After nearly a decade of protected sex with my husband, I forgot how messy sex can be.

Last month, we had scheduled unprotected sex to try to conceive a child, and for some reason....there has been a tangible wedge between us ever since. We briefly talked about it, and neither of us feel that the emotional and physical distance is from fear that I've contracted HIV. I don't think we were ready for how "un-sexy" the whole attempt would be. Over the course of our marriage, having a condom between us during sex was a necessary evil and we adjusted our expectations to include them. Using condoms hasn't dampened our sex life, but we were looking forward to the experience of condom-less sex, and the intimate experience of conceiving a child.

But, unfortunately, it wasn't an enjoyable experience. We were was awkward, messy, and embarrassing. And since then, we've hardly touched each other. I am puzzled by our reaction. I can't quite put my finger on why I'm feeling this way. Am I ashamed? Am I upset? disappointed? confused? angry?

Maybe the awful truth is, I'm a little grossed out by the "bodily fluids" involved with normal sex. After years of using a condom, I forgot what normal sex is like. I certainly liked the feeling of condom-less sex, but in all the years I've thought about it, I didn't think about these details.

Maybe I'm worried he didn't enjoy the feeling of condom-less sex with me...

Either way, what's apparent is we were both expecting to feel something very different, and reality was just a rude awakening.

I hope we can get over it soon, we have to try getting pregnant again later this month!

1 comment:

tarabianca said...

Hi, I just found your blog and am interested in forming a support group in the Bay Area for HIV negative spouses dealing with fertility questions or who have already started a family. I think my info through google is public so feel free to get in touch if you are interested. I am recently pregnant by my spouse (5 months) and!