Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Mourning Lay-a-Way

Today, I woke up before my husband. In the morning stillness, I listened to the sound of him breathing next to me. And once again, I told myself to remember this sound....him breathing.

I tell myself to remember things a lot.

I tell myself to remember how it feels when he hugs me, kisses my forehead, holds my hand. Remember the sweet smell of his skin, his laughter, his blue eyes, the sound of his voice......but what I want to remember most is him breathing next to me.

I know modern medicine tells me I can expect him to have a nearly normal life expectancy, but there is a part of me that feels I should prepare for the worst. Its that part of me that wants to always remember these intimate details of what he means to me.

I would never tell him I'm trying to remember all these things, I feel slightly guilty even admitting them to you, but it helps me cope with the realities of his illness. We've all seen the pictures of dying AIDS patients in hospital beds. Skinny and serious. If that's how it will end for him, I don't want to remember him like that. I want to remember him breathing next to me.

Now I know, he may not even die of AIDS. He may die in a car accident tomorrow, but its just the nature of an illness like this. You imagine the worst.

Most of the time, I'm not quite so somber and I enjoy each moment with him, not thinking about anything related to his health. But deep inside of me, in the deepest core of my heart, I'm already mourning him.

Its a mourning lay-a-way. If I do some mourning now, then when the time actually arrives, it won't be as difficult because I've already mourned some of it away. And when the time arrives, it won't be so devastating because the sound of him breathing has been seared in my memory.

At least that's what I'm counting on.


Looking Up said...

I think you've hit the mail on the head here. I'm in a similar situation and I enjoy reading your posts. In the next few weeks I hope to chat with you if you're up to it. In the meantime, I hope you have a happy holiday!

poprock said...

Hello Glass Half Full,

If you would like to chat about this entry, or chat about anything in general, please send me an email!


Thanks for your kind words.

momma31 said...

I am in the exact same situation and understand everything to a T. It is like you are writing what is running through my own mind. We had children before we knew about my husbands positiveness..(is that a word!) Nobody knows! Not family not our children nobody! We don't know how he got it.. I'm neg as are the kids.. We have known now for 7 years. I think it goes through my mind everyday that I might lose him...I'm not dramatic about it and I try to push it out of my mind but it's still just...there. He just doesn't talk about things...Anyway I just wanted to let you know I understand and I'm glad you started the blog I will keep checking in, so keep writing :)
Blessings to you and your husband :)

Anonymous said...

I hope I did not send out that message without keeping my anoynonimity intact. I am not used to this bloggin stuff. This one is a test to see if I get it right.

Anonymous said...

I totally understand and u made me cry just a bit! I love my husban soooo much i knew he was poz when we got together 5 years ago..ive loved him either way im neg but that doesnt change thw fact that he is my soulmate the man i want to share my life with. He is my everything him and our son are my life. I make his sickness my sickness and if something bad happens to him idk what i would do. In a moment like this seek God...thats what im going to do rightnow!

Anonymous said...

Oh my I am in the same situation and have no one to talk to we had decided to keep it to our selves our lives have changed so much gone is the handsome man I married he had weighed 230 and after 22 specialist and down to 140 looking so bad I am in constant fear of losing him he is my best friend and sole mate although he is taking treatment and doing well he has felt he no longer has a purpose in life while I can't imagine one without him

Anonymous said...

I had posted the post above seems we have run into set backs i am so mad at all these doctors who let him go so far down before being dignosed i dont want to lose him but everyday is such a struggle and i love him so

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend of about a year and 1 have know for about a month that he's pos. He's not sure how he got it. It's so hard for me to adjust. I don't know what to do or how to handle it. We're in our 20's and sometimes I get so terrified that he's going to die and leave me soon, we're not telling people so I have no one to talk to because I can't exactly tell him all these things