(Sorry its been so long since my last posting....ever since finding out I am pregnant, it seems I'm too tired or too busy to do much extracurricular stuff. Anyway, I am currently 32 weeks pregnant and all is well so far. I continue to test negative for HIV, and feel confident that I will remain negative.)
I've been wanting to write about my feelings on having a baby with a man that is HIV+. I realize that when his doctor told me he would have a "normal lifespan," I found comfort in that statement. I didn't think beyond it though. But suddenly I find myself wondering what does that really mean? A normal lifespan?
Will he be alive for 10, 20, 30 more years? Will he be healthy for those years or will he be dealing with complications from HIV? Will he see our child graduate high school, go to college, get married? I know there are no clear answers, and much of it depends on how well he takes care of himself, but I want/need more solid answers than that.
And, how will this impact our child? Will they be bullied or teased because of it? Will their friends be allowed to play and have sleepovers at our house, or will parents feel uneasy about my husband's HIV status? Will they even know about his status? Will our child announce his status to the class, teacher, friends, etc not really understanding the stigma that is attached? How and when will we explain this all to our little one?
We spent years pursuing a pregnancy and I am so grateful to be pregnant, but am realizing that there are still a lot of feelings, thoughts, and questions that I didn't know I had to work through. Am realizing that I didn't think far beyond the moment when I'd see the pregnancy test turn positive. There is now a whole other life to consider when we make our decisions regarding disclosure, medication regiments, and health. And at times, my husband and I are not on the same page about those decisions, and that complicates things.
I don't know if I'll ever find the answers l I need, or if I truly need those answers.... For now, we relish every day of this pregnancy. We marvel at the wonder of life created. And we soak up the genuine and deep love we have for each other and for our little one.