Friday, August 16, 2013


Now that we're nearly 4 months into life with a baby, I am noticing my husband has a particular way he interacts with our daughter that I think is related to his HIV status.  It just breaks my heart to see, but the shame he feels is manifesting in a way that prevents him from fully enjoying life with his new daughter.

Just simple things like a reluctance to touch her, kiss her, or even breath on her.  I hope he can work through his shame and fear because as she grows older, she will interpret his reluctance as rejection.

It all comes down to his lack of acceptance about his status.   He is so afraid to face it and accept it because it would mean having to face the bad choices that caused him to contract HIV.  He is ashamed of his choices, and ashamed of his status, and until he can forgive himself, he will continue to feel that way.

I wish he could know...truly much I love him.  I wish he could know how his smile, his smell, his touch is a source of happiness and contentment for me.  I wish he could love himself as much as I love him.  And I wish he would love himself as much as his daughter will love him.  Children pick up on our vibrations....she will know that he doesn't love himself, and in turn, will struggle with her own issues of self-love.

I can only hope that with her every smile and giggle he comes one step closer to accepting and loving himself, and teach her to do the same.


Anonymous said...

hai can I get your personal email. Im dating this guy I love but finding it hard. coping with his status. I was hoping u could get some insight from you

hopefulinlove said...

Hello there...thank you immensely for sharing your life journey. This blog came in serendipitous timing as learned recently that the love of my life is living with HIV.

You will never know how much understanding, sanity, clarity and hope I have received reading here and now joining this amazing and wonderful group of women!

Reading your happy and joyous news is so encouraging! Congratulations on your beautiful baby! Hoping all continues to be well :)

*tearful* Thank you...

Anonymous said...

Congrats on your bundle of joy <3

I can really relate to this, as my boyfriend too really struggles with self-hatred surrounding his HIV, status, even though he's been diagnosed for around three years. I have zero problem with it, and am also on Truvada for PrEP (I read your story @ My PrEP Experience) and I don't worry about transmission at all.

I hope things have gotten better with your husband's interactions with your baby as time has went on.

Anonymous said...

You don't know what your blog has meant to me. I am in love with a man who is living with HIV and hope to marry him and have children. I found your site from your post on PrEP as i have been considering going this way. I appreciate your insight and guidance. May God continue to bless you and your family.