Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Life's Regrets

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about our situation, and starting to come to terms with the possibility that we may not have another child. Despite our efforts, its just not happening.

My daughter is three, and I feel like I've failed her by not giving her a sibling. I want her to grow up with someone to play with, someone to feel connected to, and someone to share her childhood story with. But its probably not going to happen. I'm so sad about it.

She is a miracle, and I am so grateful for her. She is enough. I don't need another child for my sake, but feel we need it for her sake. I've been asking a lot of friends of mine who are only children how they felt about it, and most admit there was always a deep loneliness and longing for companionship as children. I want to protect my daughter from every feeling lonely, or longing for something, but I just can't give this to her. And I can't find it in myself to be OK about it.

I just keep thinking that we should have tried to have children sooner, when we were younger. It would have given us more time to try for another child. And then, part of me feels like for us...one child is really all we can handle. Being a parent is hard. Giving of yourself to a child is hard, and in all honesty, I'm not sure its something I could do well for a second child.

I wish things had turned out differently, but its hard to accept. I'm sure there will come a time when I can look back on this and see the good in having just one child. And I am going to give her everything I can to provide her with an emotionally fulfilled, well-rounded childhood...but I can't be everything to her. And I will fail her. And I need to come to a place of being ok with that...for her sake. My life's regrets are not her burden to bear

Its like we just missed the "sweet spot" with PrEP and all the strides on HIV and reproduction. If we could have been 5 years younger....even 3 years would have made a big difference. But it was not to be I guess. Stupid HIV.


2 comments:

Shy said...

I wish I would've seen this post much sooner. I'm sorry you're having difficulty getting pregnant this time around, but please don't lose faith. If you want a another child in your heart, claim that you will.

As for being the only child, if that's meant to be... Your babygirl will be just fine. I am my mother's only child and she raised me well. Sure, there were times when I was younger that I wished I had a sibling. My dad went on to have another daughter, but she is 11 years younger and we're not close. At age 31, I'm completely over it. I don't feel like I lost out being raised with a sister or brother. I'm well loved, secure, and thankful that my mom was able to dedicate her time to me. We're very close. Now that I'm getting married and preparing to have my own family, I know that she's given me the tools I need to be a great mom.

Unfortunately, the HIV is still a challenge for us. He's been suffering from depression for a few months and it's affecting me as well. Our wedding plans have been postponed without a date and so has having a baby. I long to be a mommy. And of course, I love my fiance, but his mood swings and lack of happiness is weighing down on me. He's been going to counseling and he's going to his doctor this week. Neither he nor I prefer him to be on depression medication, but we're open to it because our relationship is at stake. We're holding on though.

The good news is that I finally found a doctor that prescribes Truvada. I've been taking it for a couple of months and I'm so relieved.

I pray all will work out for the both of us, Poppi. Best of luck and whatever happens, it'll be for the best. Just never lose your faith.

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