Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Tiny Explosion of Panic

I ovulated last week and we had condom-less sex in hopes of conceiving. We've done this before, but this time it was different.

This time, I wasn't on PrEP!

It has taken us years to get to this point, and we both felt very comfortable with this decision. The last time I thought I could go through with condom-less sex, it ended up that I couldn't. As I mentioned before, I am starting to trust the science about how low my risk is because he has an undetectable viral load.

Of course, I gotta be honest, there have been a few times when the thought crossed my mind..."What if I got HIV from him?" Its weird when that happens. It feels like a tiny explosion of panic. Like when you're driving somewhere and you realize you forgot something important back at home. And you gasp, and you don't exhale for a while. And for that moment that you can't breathe...you come to terms with it. You either decide to go back for what you forgot, or you keep driving and decide to do without. So, when the panic hits me. I just push the thought away.  Its probably not the healthiest way to cope with the anxiety, but I know it will pass so I just push the mental "Next Track" button in my mind.

There has been enough negative energy given to the subject and stigma of HIV in my life. For now...for today, I don't want to give it anymore negative energy. So, I just dismiss it. I may feel different tomorrow.

For now, I trust the science, and that's enough for me.


2 comments:

Jenn Felty said...

Good luck, wishing you the best

Trying2getthrough@google.com said...

My husband was diagnosed 7 months ago. I have such anxiety over his diagnosis. He is on antivirals and I'm prep, but just learning to live with this new normal is so overwhelming. How do you do it?